I'm Good
by ICarryYourHeart16
Summary: Kensi goes to Deeks loft because even though he's forcing a smile, he's not "good." In fact she suspects he's far from it. Post 4x23 Parley K/D


Kensi drummed her fingers on the wheel as she stared up at Deeks apartment. She'd been sitting here for almost an hour now, trying to think of something to say to him. Monica got to him. She'd tried to talk to him earlier but Sam had stopped her, and it was good, because the mission came first, it always came first. Once you got emotional you made mistakes. So even though she hated seeing him like that, and all she'd wanted was to make sure he was okay, she had to prepare the suspect. Monica. It wasn't only Deeks' head that she messed with. She went straight for the throat, got you right where it hurt most, where you hadn't expected it to. _Is it enough?_ The thought drummed through her head in time with the beat of her fingers on the wheel. Just partners, it had been enough, it was starting to feel like it wasn't enough.

He had secrets, she had secrets. They bickered more often than not, but she hadn't been lying when she said she trusted him with everything. If anyone knew her they knew that was practically a declaration of love. She didn't trust just anyone.

Kensi frowned at the clock on her dashboard. It was almost eleven. His light was still on. He wasn't sleeping, you didn't sleep when you had that haunted look in your eye, she would know.

She wasn't good at this, but this was Deeks, he mattered. She hated seeing people in pain. It made her uncomfortable, she never knew what to say. Seeing Deeks this torn up, it got to her, she never wanted to see that look on his face again. Kensi got out of her car and walked slowly to the stairs that led to his door. Maybe she sucked at feelings and she almost never had the right words, but she had to try.

She stopped halfway up the stairs and jogged back down. No, they had talked, he was fine, now she was just prying. He probably wanted to be alone, she knew he hadn't left his phone in his car, she could tell when he lied to her. She should give him time to get over it. Except when she'd tried to ask him if _he_ was okay, he'd asked her if _she _was good, and then it had turned into are _we_ good. Which had led to a very vague conversation that had her wishing for words that never came. And that was fine, because they shouldn't even be-

"Kensi?"

She jumped

"What are you doing here?" She asked, immediately aware that they were right outside his apartment.

Deeks stood at the foot of the stairs, shirtless in a pair of running shorts.

"This is my apartment." He said incredulously

Kensi nodded and fiddled with her keys.

"Right."

"Are you okay?"  
"Would you quit asking me that?" Kensi snapped.

Deeks gave her an odd look.

"Umm okay."

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not good at this" she said, trying not to stare at the bullet scars on his chest as he came down the stairs.

"Good at what?" He walked closer to her, his eyes seemed almost dull without the usual sparkle. She hated it, she wanted to fix it.

"Today, you were... I wanted to make sure you were okay, but I couldn't, and then you didn't answer your cell phone." Yeah she really sucked at this.

"I'm good." He flashed her that same little smile, the fake one that didn't reach his eyes.

"You care about Monica."

"This again?" Frustration edged his voice and now that he wasn't trying so hard to put up a fake front she could see how it was eating at him.

"No I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I meant that you care, and what we had to ask Monica to do, it bothers you."

Deeks scratched his jaw, his eyes hard.

"It's over isn't it."

He didn't want to talk about it, she should leave him alone.

"Yeah, it is." Kensi said lamely.

"I feel like shit." He seemed surprised at the words that came out of his own mouth. He forced a laugh and looked at her. "You wanna get drunk and go skinny dipping?"

Kensi gave him a look and he chuckled.

"Just checking," he said and gestured for her to follow him upstairs to his apartment.

He unlocked the door and they stepped inside. Despite his weird choice in décor the apartment was meticulously clean. Kensi shook her head, he was really anal about cleaning.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'm going to grab a shirt." He said.

Kensi nodded and stood where she was, looking around. She spied the yellow envelope Hetty had given Deeks and picked up the folded paper on top of it. _Sunshine and gunpowder. _She frowned over the words. Hetty was oddly cryptic sometimes.

"Snooping?" Deeks asked from the doorway.

"What? No, what does sunshine and gunpowder mean."

He was looking at her with an odd expression on his face but then he smiled and walked over to take the letter from her.

"A little inside joke between Hetty and me."

She looked at him expectantly and he just shrugged. "You had to be there."

Kensi nodded and bit her lip, looking around the apartment.

"Why does being Max Gentry bug you so much?"

"Wow you just cut right to the chase don't you. It's just, it's a cover that comes with a lot of memories."

"Like what?"

"We'll save that story for another time," he said lightly.

Kensi sighed and crossed her arms.

"Okay, well I just wanted to make sure you were going to be okay, because-"

She broke off when he touched her arm lightly

"I'm going to be fine Kens."

"Okay, well you can say that but your eyes say you're not."

His lips curved. "My eyes? That's poetic, Fern."

"Shut up," Kensi said and stepped back to look up at him.

"You did what you had to do to establish the cover, it wasn't you."

His brow creased and his mouth tightened.

"I make people trust me, I'm good at that. I don't think about what happens when I have to betray them. Monica was right, I blame it on Max, turn around and do it again. Except it is me, I choose to hurt people."

"She was trying to get in your head, she was pissed. It's not true."

"You don't know what I've done, using Max as a cover."

"I don't care."

He looked up at her with a rueful smile.

"How can you say that when you have no idea what I've done."

"Because I don't care about your past. All I care about is who you are now."

His eyes were unreadable as he looked at her until finally he released a slow breath.

"Thanks partner."

The air stilled again and she shifted uncomfortably.

"So, are we gonna go skinny dipping or what?" she asked.

His eyes rounded in shock and he gaped until he caught her smile.

"Sucker," Kensi said, laughing as his eyes narrowed.

"You were right, you suck at moments." He said, but he was fighting a grin.

"Whatever, I got you to smile didn't I?"

"Yeah, don't gloat, it's unappealing."

"Really, because you still wanted to go skinny dipping with me."

"Did, past tense, I changed my mind."

"Whatever, your loss." Kensi said as she turned to leave.

"Kens," he said as she swung open his door.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

She smiled as she slipped out.

* * *

**END**


End file.
